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I am under my first employment and you guess it right, I am now in Singapore, the island where intelligent people rise to the top( unlike Malaysia , the idiots rule and run the God-damned country). And don't get me wrong, I like my company. Every architectural firm is generally the same in terms of working hours ,workload and the degree of pressure in Singapore.
The problem is just me.I am a weak Malaysian.
*sigh*
I fainted after only a few days of working. It's not because of the workload. It's the pressure and expectation that horrifes me.
The boss is a stern person( and extremely intelligent one). I actually admire him but I guess I am his great disappointment and liability because my inability to cope and give my utmost performance to the tasks given. I was called the idiot and the stupid on many occasions which killed my working days. I was reminded constantly that Malaysia is incomparable to Singapore because of the island's highly competitive society and not to mention that architecture is an extremely tough profession.
I understand the reason many female architects put a halt to their nightmarish career. I don't want to quit. It is not that I am lazy. I am just toooooooooo tired to start my day.I did my reading and homework the night before until almost dawn. But nobody knows and appreciates my silent effort because everyone is EXPECTED to do this. That is when I realise that this island is unforgiving to the slow and stupid ones. One is expected to be intelligent and critical enough in everything he/she does.
That is also when I know that I am nothing close to smart. You can call me a bright student but I am nowhere close to being smart and intelligent. That is when I have my full respect to the boss and my fellow colleagues for being able to withstand the excruciating pain of the profession.
TheBf waits for me everyday since day one to return home. I've never left the firm early. Again, one is expected to work overtime to finish the drawings and study them before submissions to any party.
*sigh*
I used to think that Chanel and Prada would be the ultimatum if not a sound bank savings. Now, not anymore. From a usually tough person, I am now a little girl lost in the jungle in her quest of taking the road not taken. Remember 'The Road Not Taken' by Robert Frost? Don't listen to him if you're doing it just for fun or in the name of curiosity. Chances of you liking the path not taken is really slim. I don't even want a Chanel now. I want nothing.
I like architecture. But I choked myself in swallowing the insults.
*sigh*
What am I saying? The boss was right. I am stupid, hopeless and difficult to be trained. My malfunctioned brain ... my stupidity.... my inefficiency.
I appreciate his effort in teaching me things one by one and unlike usual days, he did not yell at me yesterday for almost blowing out a project. What he did actually reminded me of my dad teaching me things that took me ages to master before he was gone. So, I was moved emotionally. My dad, an extremely intelligent man too, used to teach me a lot of things that other things that other kids did not have the chance to discover during my primary schooling years.
How to debate( because he's a law graduate from the U.K), how to memorise difficult formula and chemical equations, how to paint a good painting, how to operate complicated machines, how to write to impress and how to take care of my face... I think I've lost all these abilities now.
I am a loser now.
*sigh*
If I knew that studying in NUS would make me half as good as The Boss, I'd do anything to fund myself back in 2006. Gah, I shouldn't have rejected NUS' offer back then. To think that I actually help saving mummy's money by studying in UTM makes me sadder. This is what I get for trying to help the family. The father is useless for leaving us for someone else. Poor mum. I hope that I am not going to be her next disappointment. NUS graduates are so much better than us UTM graduates. Don't ever,ever deny that. I've seen with my own eyes.
UTM used to be excellent but that was decades ago. Now UTM is toppled by other universities of the region. Needless to say, its ranking is rippled and honey, it is already engulfed by NUS.
Or maybe the problem is just me, really. I am the ultimately stupid and weak one.
Mummy wanted me to accept my phD offer from my former university. No, any degree from Malaysia is useless, be it the bachelor , master or doctorate degree.Do not attempt to defend Malaysian universities in front of me or you'll see me slashing your mouth. I know the truth the hard way. Malaysian education system is failure and The Boss kept on telling me that I am the product of such education system. This, I strongly agree.
But I am not even smart to begin with. So how ?
Be the tough architect or a doctorate scholar ? How ?
While I typing this, my mind is congested with designs. Design, when will I master the art and science of it?
Sometimes I pray this to God; either make me a complete retard or make me super intelligent to the state that Mensa Club members worship me.That way, I won't even fall to this miserable state.
My boy told me that I looked miserable and deranged every time I reached home. The one-hour journey to work, the sleep deficiency, the fatigue, the pressure, the poor cognitive ability and the workload all leads to my current state of desolation.
Is there any motivational seminar for architects-to-be?
I need to attend one. I still want to try out the profession. And I hope I have a dad to lend me his shoulders to weep on. Only a dad would know what to do next.
9 ding dongs:
Don't be dishearten, you've come so far yourself by your own effort. Singapore's mentality is indeed as you said, only the strongest survives and working overtime is expected.
If your boss is willing to teach you like you mentioned, then that itself should be a good motivation for you to continue on. If he didn't see any of your potential, he probably wouldn't have bothered.
I think we all will reach the dumps once a while and feel utterly useless, helpless and all but just remind ourselves that there's no where else to go but up when you've reached rock bottom.
Stay strong
Oh nor nor nor....How can i make u happy? *hugs*
JCJS,
Stay strong, it'll take some time but you will get used to it.
I know what you mean about feeling inferior coming from the Malaysian system. It is why I left the law profession. I didn't think I would be good enough to make it here.
If you think what you're doing will make you happy when you get good at it, then stick with it, it's only a matter of time. Otherwise, maybe you should move on to something else.
Maybe do a Masters in Singapore? It will help, you have no idea how doing my MSc helped with my confidence. You'll realise that you can perform as well given the right environment and tools.
If you need to talk to anyone, I'm always here ;)
Everything will be okay. This lifestyle is new, so of course it's not going to be easy. You just have to remain calm and trust yourself... you have every thing it takes! You've learned everything you need to know! You just have to remain calm and focused. People are just being hard on you because your new, you haven't paid your dues. But you will, you will prove yourself! I understand how you feel, I want to go to University of Tokyo, but the US's scholastic system is completely useless, but I'm working really hard to get in. You've already got to the place you want to be, so don't give up!!! Please take care of yourself and do your best. In the end, that's all that matters; do your best!
Best of luck,
LD
Hey Jean,
Yup the Malaysian education sucks. UPSR,SPM,PMR,Degree..
All to make us feel better about ourselves.Supid graphs and quotas.
In Singapore at least we would know our true capabilities.
The important thing is, you have secured a job!Not something easy. So just fight it out!If you're really so bad they will just sack you.Important thing is you've got your BF to support you through this.
Jean,
Don't be disheartened.
I'm familiar with Malaysian education. Choke it all down, vomit it all out during finals eh?
I've seen hardworking students scoring close to perfect GPA every semester in Malaysia, yet when they are involved in a project or when working, they just don't shine. They are the ones whom we say, 'expendable'.
Yet there are Malaysian students as well, scoring just enough passing mark to get the scroll, but when involved in a project at work, they shine. They are confident, they know what to do and they are the ones the company keep. Thus, you can say that Malaysia's top graduates may be brilliant in studies, but it doesn't guarantee them being close to average in real life. Although so, an average graduate in Malaysia might be a shining novice in the company as well.
What I'm trying to put forward here is, don't blame the education system. It is flawed, yes, but a perfect education system does not mean it will produce the best performing person from its top student. Malaysian education system emphasize on hardworking, memorizing, confined thinking, but it doesn't mean the system has robbed you of your right to think out of the box, or to be brilliant in the real world.
So, don't blame the system. The university has already provide you with a degree, you have the 'license to drive'. Though it may not have given you the best training, it doesn't mean you can't do it because you lack the best training.
Many things we only learn when we start working, don't you agree?
Be confident, be smart (and I don't mean bookworm smart), be enthusiastic about your work, and take criticisms as a motivation to disprove them, and take failures as lessons never to be repeated again, possess a good attitude towards your work.
I definitely do not think any education system moulds who you are. A Harvard graduate doesn't mean he's better than a UTM graduate at work. Because in real life, in a working environment, the corporate world, how you act, react, resolve, initiate, cooperate determines who you are. Chin up girl, you being from UTM does NOT make you any less from a reputed university.
Where you come from, does not show the world what you're made of.
I just happened to come across your blog through some of the reviews of beauty products. But I also happen to be a architecture graduate, also one who moved to singapore to study cum work, I graduated from NUS recently.
I know how you feel about all these. I experienced them in my earlier years in singapore. My piece of advice to you is not to feel you're inferior than others and don't be fear.(it is the lesson learnt) it takes some time before you will adapt all of the aspects of the society and culture. In the meanwhile just hold on to what you think and absorb as much as you can. dont let the negative feelings take over what you believe.
getting through my school is really not easy. I was tested in many aspects of my character, now I am tested in the working world as well. it is competitive because it pushes elitism to highest level in the region. to compete, you have to be really good. neverthelss it will be a good learning experience.
haha someday later we might meet as this field is really small. good luck!
hang on! you can do it. i believe you have the potential to excel since you have gone so far.. maybe you just need time to adapt to the new environment.. stay strong girl! everyone has their hard time in life, we struggle and sometimes we fall..but never lose hope. i understand how it is to be not as intelligent as others and to be the lousier one..cz i am always the mediocre one in whatever i do. i hope you will pull through all these adversities asap. good luck :)
Hang in there, you are intelligent, smart and soon to be very savvy with the ways of Singaporean culture.
Let not the harsh words kill you, because that's the only way your boss knows how to communicate.
You are a survivor, and I definately know it. :)
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